Well, I was about to say I’d fallen off the Compassionate Wagon again but that isn’t quite true. I felt like I had, but in fact I can see now, I had not.
I have experienced a deep sadness and have taken time to honour that sadness having fallen in love with someone that I cannot be with. At the same time I feel happiness for the very same reason. My love still remains and I love that this person is in my life. Hopefully that will remain. I would not want it any other way.
At the same time I experienced a friend I was fond of behaving in a completely different light to the one I had come to know them and the experience was unpleasant to say the least. I was accused of doing something I did not do and I was not heard or accepted when I pointed out this fact. Being suddenly forced to see my friend as a very different person to the one I had thought they were triggered an old trauma pattern from my childhood. One where I had, as a young child, felt safe and found out the hard way that I wasn’t safe at all and to the degree that I lost myself.
Having this old trauma pattern ignited was difficult to be with. However, this time round I could see the trauma pattern and my current life experience side by side, rather than entwined or overlapping each other. This time round I could say to myself, whilst my friend is not who I thought he was, that he isn’t as safe as I thought, he isn’t dangerous either. That my trauma pattern was alive in me and I could make distinctions like this at the time is a real breakthrough.
I have been able to find my way through by taking the time I needed to experience the emotions, along with the trauma cycles and change gear. I did less in order to give myself time to recoup. I spoke to myself with understanding and empathy, I acknowledged what I was experiencing was tough and painful, I gave myself time to cry, sob, feel deeply sad and reminded myself of how far I had come in my process, of how much better my life is today and of my love too. I journalled, acknowledging my experience as it was in all its rawness.
What helped me to come back to me after this? Writing. Getting back in touch with my creativity, experiencing myself and my environment with my focus on the senses, bringing me back to the moment, back to me, back to the world I am in.
Why am I writing this? Because when I was going through this process I felt like I wasn’t helping myself and that I wasn’t being compassionate to myself when in actual fact I was. I can see that now I feel more centred and I can appreciate the love I have for what it is, without wanting anything else to come from it. I feel more like myself today.
What I hope I remember from this experience is that even though I may feel like I am wading through mud emotionally and that I am not changing anything or that I am not helping myself, for me not to be fooled.
Thought for the day: Keep your intent true to your heart, what you desire and feel, eventually you will find your way through whatever painful experience you are going through. Keep being compassionate, keep being caring, nurturing and supportive to yourself no matter what. Don’t stop. Don’t give up.